SIX FLAGS OVER GEORGIA REVEALATION

Today I went to Six Flags with my sisters, niece, and nephew. I was living in a false reality of what I could do. I feel youthful and not at all fat. I think I trick myself into thinking that I have lost weight when I haven't thus, placing unrealistic expectations on what I can physically accomplish. I learned the hard way today.

First, the last time I went to Six Flags was in high school over 11 years ago. I weighed 245 the only thing I couldn't ride was the Superman ride. Today I could only ride two. The ninja (it rung my head like a boxer in the ring) and The Mindbender (because it closed over your lap. Both rides I was sardined into and both rides were painful.

When we got home me and Kissy talked. She told me that she started to walk everyday around the block and she would change her length every month adding a lap. I figured I should do the same. She also told me that next year when she has the money that she would also get her thyroid checked and her hormones balanced to aid in her weight loss. I figure I could at least get my thyroid blood test at the Health Dept for $30. (It also checks of other things but I'm not sure what.)

So I am going to come up with a schedule to walk avoiding times that would stress me out before class and start walking around the block everyday. I would walk our town track but I want to avoid people like the plague and plus our block has uphills and downhills. While the track is littered with pets and gossip. So starting Tuesday I will walk everyday at maybe 10am (because it's after I get home on Tuesdays and Thursdays and well before time to leave on Mondays and Wednesdays).

A Ray of Light

Yesterday, I went to the Health Department to get a prescription and met this wonderful lady. For the life of me I can't remember her name. (I tend to do that, forget names because I figure I will not talk to them again, or that they are people I feel won't be interested to talk to me again. I think to myself: "Why remember their names?"). But now I wish I had remembered. So, She asked me general health questions and I can see that she was genuinely concerned about my health and wanted to talk to me about my weight problems. She didn't seem like she was just asking the questions because she had to, but instead she really wanted to know. I have met many people that acted concerned only to find out that they asked questions because they wanted to talk about themselves. Anyway, we talked about our weight problems and gave each other feedback. I was happy. I guess I really do need someone to listen and someone who understands. I have my sister and we both have extreme weight issues but she mainly wants to talk about herself (because she has no one to listen to her) and she listens to me but I feel that she is only listening because I am talking not because she wants to know, or that she is listening because she has nothing else better to do. But, I've realized that she has some of the same hangups as me and we both can't cure each other because we are both lacking. Though, there are times that I feel she genuinely wants to know how I been or how I feel. But I just don't know how to respond to her and I don't know what to say because I've lost the knack of communication with others. (I've become reclusive and it's making me depressed. God, I wish I had some friends. But I'm afraid of rejection so I haven't tried to make any. *cries* And the unicycle of depression rides on.) But I'm happy to know that there are caring people that listen because recently I felt that there wasn't anyone in the medical field that truly cared.

On a slightly different topic, today I took a depression test online: depressedtest.com. Which is meant for education/entertainment and not an accurate medical diagnosis and found out that I am indeed digging a tunnel into a deep pit and no rope to climb out with. (My results are on the side bar) I then searched for ways to end my depression and found a site called zenhabits.net good stuff that site. Grade:100/100. Check it out!

These days I'm having more downs than ups, but I think that I can change! (bad habit: I think... [crap] This should be I know... Damn bad habits. I'm currently under construction.) If I don't change the way I think then I will never see the rope dangling in my face. (refer to my comment on a deep pit.)

Well that's all that I can think of. Maybe later I will actually advertise my blog and let people read it. But for now maybe this will help someone in desperate need of someone to talk to and be their Ray of Light.

Why? Why? Why?

Why? Why am I doing this to myself?
At the beginning of this month I went to the doctor to get more blood pressure med refill prescriptions. When you arrive there they weigh you. Can you believe this, I couldn't be weighed. The scale only goes to 350 lbs, after that, only god knows your weight. The fact that the scale has given up on me made me feel sucky. (My doctor gave up on me too. Let me explain.)

When he discussed my weight he told me: I need to lose weight, I should try a program, I should back away from the table, and that I wasn't putting in effort.

My answer to that was: "I know I need to lose weight, You think I haven't tried a program?, How tha hell is that gonna help? If it was that simple I would've already lost weight and me eating less won't guarantee that I will lose weight. Plus, it's not that I'm packing myself full of food it's the type of food I'm eating and the times I eat them."

To this he said, "I doubt that your eating small portions, if you were, you would be losing weight."

After that I told him "I stress eat, I had a lot of stress these past three months and I know this will sound like an excuse (then I listed the things that haven't been working or had me worried.) Then I continued to say "When I am down I tend to eat sweets, they are my downfall. When I am in high spirits I tend to eat right." I've just had more downs then ups these few months and I'm the type of person not to voice my feelings and I eat them instead."

At this point he is writing in my file and ignores me during my small rant and without a word he leaves the room. I figure we are done since he left the door open. (usually he says "Have a nice day" or something when he leaves. That day I had no clue.) When I said my goodbye to him he ignored me again and instead leaves my file on the counter for the nurse. I was pissed. He obviously wasn't listening to me. During my rant of things that had me down one of them was that I felt like I have no one to talk to. That when there were discussion that I was involved in no one wanted to hear my opinions and I was depressed by this because I felt that I was alone. [This is not a sudden occurrence, being ignored by people.]

Call me silly but I thought that the people closest to me should have my side and listen. Like my family, they are only interested if you help them solve their problems and don't want to listen to yours.]

Anyway, I was curious to read what he wrote in my file, so I read it and the gist was: Tareshia doesn't care that she is dangerously obese and has not intention of losing weight. I won't help her.

I tried for years to lose weight and when I think I got the upper hand I'm sucked into hell and my weight spins out of control. I've been yo-yo weight losing for years. My 3rd to the last appointment with that doctor (it was before my first post on this blog) I weighed 290. I had lost 30 pounds (I weighed 320 before the weight loss.) I was feeling good. Then I went to the appointment and he charred my ears talking about I need to lose weight. Haha, I was. I left there feeling depressed. I'm the type to take what the people around me treat and say to me to heart and it's very hard to forget it and it will nag at me for years. Three months later I weighed 347. Three months after that the scale wouldn't read. My emotions rule my eating habits! If I am healthier emotionally I will quickly lose weight. Right now I'm trying to handle myself, and get things to where I'm fine and I'm happy. Right now I am not. So, I decided to get emotionally stable. If no one is willing to talk to me I'll at least to talk on this blog. Maybe someone will come across it and it will help them. My first step starts tomorrow. I am making a meal plan! It worked well the first time I tried. (I stopped doing it and that's when all hell broke loose.) When you plan before hand you are less likely to fuck up, excuse me, lose focus. When I have a plan for the week I will post it on this blog. Then, I start the plan. My first life changing post will be titled "Day One". In that post I will include: what I will eat that day, my activities, mood, and whatever I want to get off my chest or talk about.

  Wish me Infinite LUCK!

My Journey

This is my weight loss journey. I will follow the plan set out by JJ Smith in her book: Lose Weight - Without dieting or Working out. Though, I plan to work out a little because I have a substantial amount of weight to lose. I will begin this journey at 347 lbs and I dedicate this blog to chronicle every step of the way which will include all my fails and most definitely my wins. I won't guarantee that I will post every day. But I will summarize my week, or rather, I will post when I feel like it (Whenever I want to rant). God help me!

When you see my next post, that will be the start of my weight loss journey. See ya then! :)

Also, feel free to join me in my efforts and leave a comment on your day as well. Or better yet, if you have a blog feel free to link it.