Why? Why? Why?

Why? Why am I doing this to myself?
At the beginning of this month I went to the doctor to get more blood pressure med refill prescriptions. When you arrive there they weigh you. Can you believe this, I couldn't be weighed. The scale only goes to 350 lbs, after that, only god knows your weight. The fact that the scale has given up on me made me feel sucky. (My doctor gave up on me too. Let me explain.)

When he discussed my weight he told me: I need to lose weight, I should try a program, I should back away from the table, and that I wasn't putting in effort.

My answer to that was: "I know I need to lose weight, You think I haven't tried a program?, How tha hell is that gonna help? If it was that simple I would've already lost weight and me eating less won't guarantee that I will lose weight. Plus, it's not that I'm packing myself full of food it's the type of food I'm eating and the times I eat them."

To this he said, "I doubt that your eating small portions, if you were, you would be losing weight."

After that I told him "I stress eat, I had a lot of stress these past three months and I know this will sound like an excuse (then I listed the things that haven't been working or had me worried.) Then I continued to say "When I am down I tend to eat sweets, they are my downfall. When I am in high spirits I tend to eat right." I've just had more downs then ups these few months and I'm the type of person not to voice my feelings and I eat them instead."

At this point he is writing in my file and ignores me during my small rant and without a word he leaves the room. I figure we are done since he left the door open. (usually he says "Have a nice day" or something when he leaves. That day I had no clue.) When I said my goodbye to him he ignored me again and instead leaves my file on the counter for the nurse. I was pissed. He obviously wasn't listening to me. During my rant of things that had me down one of them was that I felt like I have no one to talk to. That when there were discussion that I was involved in no one wanted to hear my opinions and I was depressed by this because I felt that I was alone. [This is not a sudden occurrence, being ignored by people.]

Call me silly but I thought that the people closest to me should have my side and listen. Like my family, they are only interested if you help them solve their problems and don't want to listen to yours.]

Anyway, I was curious to read what he wrote in my file, so I read it and the gist was: Tareshia doesn't care that she is dangerously obese and has not intention of losing weight. I won't help her.

I tried for years to lose weight and when I think I got the upper hand I'm sucked into hell and my weight spins out of control. I've been yo-yo weight losing for years. My 3rd to the last appointment with that doctor (it was before my first post on this blog) I weighed 290. I had lost 30 pounds (I weighed 320 before the weight loss.) I was feeling good. Then I went to the appointment and he charred my ears talking about I need to lose weight. Haha, I was. I left there feeling depressed. I'm the type to take what the people around me treat and say to me to heart and it's very hard to forget it and it will nag at me for years. Three months later I weighed 347. Three months after that the scale wouldn't read. My emotions rule my eating habits! If I am healthier emotionally I will quickly lose weight. Right now I'm trying to handle myself, and get things to where I'm fine and I'm happy. Right now I am not. So, I decided to get emotionally stable. If no one is willing to talk to me I'll at least to talk on this blog. Maybe someone will come across it and it will help them. My first step starts tomorrow. I am making a meal plan! It worked well the first time I tried. (I stopped doing it and that's when all hell broke loose.) When you plan before hand you are less likely to fuck up, excuse me, lose focus. When I have a plan for the week I will post it on this blog. Then, I start the plan. My first life changing post will be titled "Day One". In that post I will include: what I will eat that day, my activities, mood, and whatever I want to get off my chest or talk about.

  Wish me Infinite LUCK!